SUPPOSING YOU’RE OF TWO MINDS

If you’re a man or woman about town type, chances are this weekend presented you with an impossible dilemma: Should you see the new Justin Bieber movie, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never: A Justin Bieber Experience Starring Justin Bieber? Typically, the best way to decide if a film is for you is to pore over the reviews and then make an informed decision. The problem, though, as I’m sure you’ll agree, is this: critics are snooty. They do things like “research” or “place the work within a broad social or historical context” or “use spell check,” which can be a real drag when all you care about is whether the film is “awsome!” or “sux!” So I’ve gleaned fan reviews from the film’s Fandango page in hopes of passing along arguments both for and against that will assist you in drawing your own conclusions about whether this film deserves a rating of FTW! or FML! — despite what the MPAA will have you believe, literally the only two ratings that matter. (N.B.: the reviews are reproduced verbatim, in all their glorious [sic]ness.)

HONOR: RESTORED

As you no doubt know and are likely celebrating with neighborhood chalkboard parties, today marks the one-month anniversary of Glenn Beck’s ‘Restoring Honor’ rally. How many people attended this historic event? Several thousand? One million? Every last one of the 6,871,700,249 that is the U.S. Census Bureau’s current estimate for the world’s population? No one knows for sure. But clearly a lot. Or not. Doesn’t matter. The rally that Beck organized and hosted was, in Beck’s own words, a success, and success is not something that can be quantified, much like a highly-publicized and televised event’s turnout. What’s important is that, unlike the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom — held 47 years ago to the day — which accomplished neither of those things, Glenn Beck, as promised, singlehandedly restored all our honor on a single Saturday from 10am – 1pm. Also, he sold way more merchandise than any of the speakers at that other rally¹. But that’s neither here nor there. Point is, Beck Got-R-Done.

MY GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT IS GAINING MOMENTUM

One night while pounding my head against the wall it hit me: if our democracy is to remain relevant, it must look to the Internet, and, instead of two major parties constantly locking horns and a veritable potpourri of bless-their-li’l-hearts-fer-tryin’ third parties, what the American political process needs is the fracturing and fragmentation of viewpoints into countless hyper-specific niches moderated by unoccupied, highly opinionated amateurs. Simple, right? The best ideas usually are.

And so, because whoever famously said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step¹” obviously knew a thing or two about going places, I decided there and then to take that first step and start my own populist movement — a drop in the bucket, I realize, but still, doing my part — because, although I was for a time a fervent disciple of the Tea Party, it simply didn’t allow me to take my indignation far enough. I needed something that could capture the hodgepodge of complex feelings stirring within me, something that could somehow sum it all up, the rage, the outrage, the endless raging, everything.

A SLOG THROUGH THE JUDICIAL PROCESS

Admit it: like many Americans, you haven’t the slightest idea how a judge is appointed in this country. All you know is that if you turn on the television and flip to FOX on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at prime time, there they all are, looking hip, sexy, or British as they deliberate on who best balances a rock ‘n’ roll swagger with a soaring falsetto while still remaining true to themselves as artists. And, honestly, isn’t it enough that you have to weasel your way out of jury duty every few years? Do you really need to understand the complex nature of the judicial process too? Shouldn’t it have been the job of your high school government teacher-cum-football coach to instill in you an understanding of Constitutional law? And, besides, shouldn’t we update the totally ancient method the Founding Fathers laid out on like parchment or whatever and just start texting the word ‘VOTE’ to the 4 digit short code number promoted for our favorite candidate? Wouldn’t that be easier for everybody? And way more fun?

Fig. 20: Hon. Judges Jackson, Abdul, and Cowell (Note the Ceremonial Product Placement)

Nevertheless, with the departure of Cowell in May and now DeGeneres announcing her retirement after serving only one season as judge because she was so unhappy¹, it’s the perfect time to discuss just how a successor is chosen, so here’s a guide to how the selection and confirmation process works. [SPOILER ALERT: it's boring!]

I’M SEAN PENN AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE

“A non-presence . . .”

That’s what those in Port-au-Prince are saying about Wyclef Jean.

Until, of course, it’s in his best interest not to be.

Having submitted his candidacy papers a full ten minutes before the provisional electoral office closed (cold feet, Mr. Jean?), the former Fugees frontman then proceeded to bodysurf on the hands of bandana-waving supporters in Haiti’s capital before stepping onto a speaker truck to address a crowd of hundreds.

Clearly, this is a man more interested in performing than presiding.

Fig. 20: He’ll Be Gone Till November

The last thing the Haitian people deserve is a leader who’s primarily a rock star.

No, what they deserve is a leader who’s primarily an actor.

IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD 2.0

What is Bieber Fever?

The consensus within the scientific community is that a J1B1-type virus — commonly called Bieber Fever — apparently “jumped” to humans for the first time in January 2007 when Bieber’s mother, Pattie Mallette, uploaded a poorly-lit video of her thirteen-year old son performing Ne-yo’s “So Sick” in a local singing competition. Prior to this jump, the worrisome strain only infected sound-enabled computers, causing them to emit a hideous prepubescent squeal that could only be cured by smashing the afflicted machine to bits (pronounced ‘bytes’) while listening to Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer.” Twenty-four-year-old industry mogul Scott “Scooter” Braun was the first to be infected with this particularly ominous version of the J1B1 virus, which he then transmitted to best-selling R&B recording artist Usher. From there, the J1B1 pathogen entered American headlines.

AN INTEL BRIEFING ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING APPEARANCE, MR. PRESIDENT

President Barack Obama is a masochist. How else to account for his willingness to take office amidst two impossible wars, a projected $1.3 trillion deficit, and Taylor Swift’s Fearless edging out Beyoncé’s I Am…Sasha Fierce on the Billboard 200 when everyone knows “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” is far superior to anything in the entire Swift oeuvre? And now, seemingly not content with the mere distinction of being the first African-American president of a nation whose racial history doesn’t exactly make for the rosiest of portraits¹, President Obama is preparing to set yet another precedent² by becoming the first sitting U.S. president to appear on ABC’s The View (check local listings).